Lost

It is Sunday.. I wake up around 6am with no reason.. My brain was empty.. Covering myself with my blanket..Thinking nothing...

Checking through my mobile, there's nothing... not even a call, or message... :) it is kind of painful.. ahhhhh........

Honestly, i feel tired nowadays... mentally tired.. Not because of work, it just something disturbing me .. what is that ? I feel something bad gonna happen soon ?? hope not..

I want to have a long rest..i wish to sleep...

I'm sorry but i have to...

What i expected to be happen, finally it came.. Even thought it is a really terrible feeling but i done it.. and im really done with it and i made the choice for days.... I did something cruel to hurt someone that i love.. Feeling regret after doing it, but i have to ... i cant think of any other ways to solve it and i thought of this stupid idea and i hurted someone..

Happiness is not with me for a period of time , it had been in a hard time and it getting worst these days, getting depression all the time .. I'm out of mind.. I'm fine to be a bad person if it can make ones happy... What i can do is just Let the misunderstanding going on... what people think of me and so on... Sorry for being stupid, it just i have to....

i'm really afraid... God, am i doing the right thing ? i need your help..

The Truth hurts alot.

She is a forgotten soul
[ He doesn't talk to her as before ]
She is bleeding internally
[ He pierced her heart with a blade ]
She is dead mentally
[ He killed her with the truth ]
She was in love
[ He is the reason ]

I shouldn't start in the beginning...

“The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt”

Fear

Today is Monday.... hmm... i dont think i had a plan.. Just feel like staying at home makes me feel so good even though it is quite bored... lolx...

It is the time to make myself cool down and make my mind clear. I have to face the fact even though it is quite painful... Flash back all the memories, oh no~... thts difficult...but what can i do ? I think i need to rest.. feeling regret why this happen to me ... My heart is numb...totally no feeling at all..

"what are you doing now " i wish to ask... but how ? I cant see, i cant feel, i cant touch... far far away from me.... T.T

I wish to sleep ....sleep forever....


Nattie.

Devils of the 1st degree.. F you..

There's different kind of people in this world... I'm so unlucky to have few weird and naive friends around me which making my life so damn pissed off and so complicated... even your best friends did that, It is not the first time.... Last night was a terrible night for me, I felt so hopeless on them. Everyone thinks that i'm a bitch, But i dont give a shit at all.. Talking bad about people , back stabbing on someone ... this is how they treat me ... Is this called as friend ? Maybe yes , but for me <> i cant accept this ... I dont mind to lose a friend and i'm NOT DESERVE to have this kind of friend. I dont need them at all...

Try to be more mature in everything, Having FUN and getting SERIOUS is different thing.. If they still cant differenciate between this 2 words , is time to go back to school . Being a 21s , but still act like kid.. what the fuck right ??! Anywyas, IT wont affect my daily life.. I need to work , and i need to take care of my family .. I'm working hard to going on with my life.. I love my family so much , why should i care of all this kind of small things ..

If they think that it is part of their entertainment life, go ahead then.. Talk more and comment more... As long as you guys feel happy , i dont mind to be a clown.. :) because i used to be a "clown". It is not working if i keep on fighting verbally with them.. becasue if i keep on making myself clear , they still prefer to stand in the other side. So i give up, keeping myself silent doesnt mean that i'm guilty ... It just becuase i feel so so so damn shame on you guys if i do it..

I"M TRUST NOBODY ...

"JUst be cool and ignore" - Thanks for the words from sweetie... i will remember that... :P



Keep on moving Nat !!!

Letting you go

Today is another day again... 14/09/09... It will be my tough day too~ I feel like my mind is so numb now and my heart feel so cold... it is painful.. I try to touch my heart ,and my tears rolling down..... I thought im enough of crying .. but the feeling is so bad... I wish to tell someone how i feel.. But i dont know where to start with. I called my mum , im happy to hear her voice but i dont want to make her worry about me so i just keep for myself ... i called my sister, i lost control... i cried... But... i kept for myself again... I dont wish to disturb anyone ...

Sitting on the floor , staring at the corner, listening to the songs.. my hands feel cold ... Flashing back all the memories that we have been go through... my tears drop... Everything will be back as usual ... It hurts when you have someone in your heart but you cant have them in your arms.. Love hurts when you break up with someone and it hurts even more when someone break up with you or cheating on you .. Love hurts when the person you love doesnt know how you feel.. But Love hurts most when the person you love is happy with someone now... Trying not to miss you too much, trying to forget you .. trying to give up everything..... I'm letting you go , you can do what you want... You're free now....

Be tough on myself ... be strong... and be cool........ no matter how sad am i , the ending will be the same.......................




Love,
Nat

Nothing... but Love

Here I sit on my bed thinking about all the things that I´ve been through ,there were times where I never thought I get to where I got to ... I need an angel to guide me, someone to lay on...
I could hold on to pain but that isnt what my life´s about and I'm not blaming nobody if I ain´t got my stuff worked out ... I got love for my self, and im not gonna regret anything I´ve done ....

Counting Down The Days

Every time when I'm standing in front of the mirror, I saw you.. You're there for 5 seconds and you disappeared. I smiled.. Looking at my face, my eyes.. they seems really tired and pain...I touched my eyes with my fingers, it was so warm and pain..Fingers feel the tears and i started to cry silently in my room.. It is hard to breath... Trying to take a long deep breath, but heart started to bleed at the same time.

Counting down the days.. but can i stop it ? I hate looking at the calendar... But i remember the date.. It makes me feel so pain ...


gloomy...


Natalie

Bad Depression

Today 3/09/09 .. It is the hardest moment i have right now.... I dont know what to do and i dont know where should i headed to.... I just cant share what i feel now. Looking at the mirror, the girl inside the mirror is crying. I brushes my teeth by looking at the mirror, tears falls down. My heart feels pain. Being an actor to be looking cool, it is hard... But i have to learn ... Everyone says, crying might make you feel better. I did it when im alone. I dont wish to let someone knows what i'm going through..

What i feel, I really thanks God for giving me a precious memory which i had dream for a long time. But it doesnt last long, at least i tried.
Time passes so fast, everything going to back as usual.. Tears getting dry when i see myself in the mirror.. My eyes, my nose, my lips.... being touched warmly... The places we went , the food that we ate , the moment that we spent , the movie that we watched ... between you and me will be always in my mind..

God , please give me some strength to go through this situation.. I need YOU.




Natalie..... 3/9/09